I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
