This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
