The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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