His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
