Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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