I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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