i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
