we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
