You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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