Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
