I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
