he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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