take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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