I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
