like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
