Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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