Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
