I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
