i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
