I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
