Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
