I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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