i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
