I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
