It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
