I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't deserve a penis
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
