beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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