Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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