i was rollin on her like bob the builder
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
