I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
