God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
