I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
