Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
