I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
