Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
