I wannas sexs uuuuu
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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