I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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