Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
