i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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