dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my sisters under your porch take her home
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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