he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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