If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
