My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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