i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
