Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
