Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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