I could make wine with my vomit
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
