I met the friendliest cop last night
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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