Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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