I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
