she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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