So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
