i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
